You’d know that I love my popcorn to be floating in butter… kinda like a soup…
That I love to read.
That sometimes when I’m really struggling to write I put on the song “White blank page” by Mumford and Sons. As dark as it is, the line “A white blank page and a swelling rage” really sets my soul afire and words magically appear from my fingertips.
That I bite my nails still. But love to get my nails done…. Hello $35 shellac mani’s….
That at a very young age (maybe 5?) I stood in my kitchen and declared to my parents and their friends that I wanted to be a comedian. I just loved the sound of people laughing and I thought I was pretty damn funny. Some kids dream to be firefighters, I wanted to be a comedian…. Complete with a brick wall background and the smokey bar atmosphere… I was going places people.
Speaking of career choices…. I also distinctly remember in high school telling my mom that I wanted to be a radio DJ and she told me it was really hard. For whatever reason I gave up that dream because she said it was so hard and I later became an electromechanical engineer… because that was a walk in the park… Isn’t funny how certain stick with you?
That the only cars I’ve owned have been standards and I have no intention of ever getting an automatic.
That my hair is pin-straight. No curl naturally appears nor stays long if I try to style it. You’d also know that I’ve considered getting a perm to bring some sort of bounce into my hair.
That I don’t like nuts in my food. I love almonds, peanuts, cashews, walnuts, and pecans. And I love ice cream, brownies, pies, and cakes… But in my book, the two should never meet.
No no no no!
That I’m actually pretty flakey. I want to hang out with everyone in the world and I make the most obnoxious promises to do so… but at lot of times instead of making plans, I find I’m completely content to be by myself. And sometimes I get super excited when plans cancel. But when I finally do get off my ass to hang out with people, I have so much fun. It’s a problem I’ve been actively trying to fix though. Learning to be honest with people and not make promises to hang out unless I truly mean it.
That I love watching sports…. But that I actually forget to watch them. Does that even make sense?
That I really, truly, cannot dance. I just don’t get it. And don’t even get me started on choreographed dances… No matter how many times I’ve done the cotton eye joe dance, I still end up spinning in the wrong direction or stamping the wrong foot… it’s just a complete fail. Oh and the gangnam dance? It’s just a jumpy ride-the-pony dance right??
That I always, no questions asked, wear a cami tank top under all my shirts.
That the only type of socks I will wear are black ankle socks. I hate the holiday theme, funky color, super fuzzy, and other ridiculous pairs of socks… It also makes me uncomfortable when other people wear socks that don’t match…
Oh hey Monday… to say I’m super excited to see you would be a lie, but then again the start of a new week and fresh beginnings can be something to look forward to. We all know Mondays are the unspoken start for doing new things like eating better, exercising, and waking up on time… I didn’t exactly start off so great with waking up early but I did a few minutes better than last week and that my friends is good in my books.
So this past weekend I had a good ole fashion girls’ weekend. But actually this isn’t something I’m used to. For the longest time, I swore off girls and stuck to hanging out with the guys. I wanted to be one of the guys because frankly… it was easier. Guys can be white and black with things and if they ever got “catty” with each other, a simple “Sorry dude” was all that was needed. Whatever happened between them was over and never spoken about again. I felt that with girls it was so drawn out and gossiped forever about.
I’ve thought long and hard about why I’ve never cared for girl friends. I think it started back when I was in elementary and middle school. I went a catholic school for nine years, kindergarten to eighth grade. My class size varied from 20-30 kids but for the most part I was with the same people for nine years. I remember the year I knew I just didn’t fit in. Even though we wore a uniform, we had the option of buying navy blue pants and white shirts from any store. So even though the color of the outfit was standard, kids knew right away how well off families were based on the style. My family wasn’t exactly well to do, but they put my brother and I through catholic school and that was a huge feat in itself. They worked really hard to keep us at the school, but I resented them for a while because while I was at a decent school, I was always made fun. Whether it was for my JCPenny navy blue slacks or my Katie Couric style haircut… oh yes… I had that hair cut…. I just couldn’t justify how much money they put towards a school that I absolutely hated.
But the funny thing is, I never really fought to leave for public school. I was almost too scared to bring it up and if I did, I would immediately dismiss the idea and pretend I thought I was getting a better education. Instead I spent every day longing for the GAP or American Eagle navy blue pants and wishing I could have flare pants and not that awkward straight leg. Should I mention now that I paired that look with some lovely sketcher sneakers? No? Ok pretend you didn’t read that….
The 26 year old me would slap my 10 year old self and tell her to stick up for herself. I wish I had pushed myself to talk to my parents about how I was feeling but instead I entered a whole other low self-esteem world. Thank god facebook, tumblr, and twitter weren’t available yet… I can’t even imagine what that would’ve been like.
Any who…. Like I was saying, I think catholic school was the catalyst for my fear/dismissal of girls. I wish I could say I slipped into a gothic phase after middle school and ignored all the drama, but instead I jumped into playing soccer and desperately tried to be a part of the preppy/sport life. Luckily I did find some courage from my soccer friends to tell my parents that once I graduated 8th grade, I wanted to go to the public high school. Since I had started playing soccer in middle school for the town rec league, I knew a good amount of girls that were going to public high school. The transition was pretty easy and I actually felt popular for once. I had sooo many friends and just kept making new friends. In an almost vain sort of light, I thought I was a great friend because I could get along with everyone, I understand how the gothic and outsider kids felt because I was made fun of before and I played soccer so I had friends with the other “cooler” crowd. I thought I was gaining confidence but really I just became more and more arrogant. Fortunately that was quickly slapped down and my low self-esteem came flooding back in.
My dad had suggested I take a drafting class since my high school was known to have one of the best tech/voc programs in the state. My dad had taken the same classes and was now an engineer. I took the class on a whim and I found out I had a really strong passion for engineering. From there I dove into a ton of their mechanical drafting classes, even going as far as to taking machine shop. For my senior project, I made a ball peen hammer out of aluminum via a lathe… pretty snazzy if you ask me… But any who, the point I was trying to make was that I had finally found something I was truly confident in. And coincidently, my field I was falling in love with was heavily populated with guys. In another almost vain light, I knew I was making a lot of guy friends because I was the only girl… But I was so disillusioned with how my friendships with girls had been that I loved being one of the guys… And in reality, being one of the guys felt normal to me.
So fast forward to college, where I went to school that had 80% to 20%, guy to girl ratio. I had so many guy friends and all felt right in the world. Although I lived in dorms with no less than 4 girls at a time, I just didn’t get along or truly connect with all of them. At times I considered myself better than those girls because I had an army of guy friends that I considered brothers. We would do our homework and drink beers together. I had so much fun and drama was nonexistent with them. I did leave college with two strong best girl friends, but that was it.
Now as I reach this point in my life, I almost regret not having more close girl friends. I am still quick to dismiss girls at times and I think that’s something I will always do because my confidence in myself still wavers. But recently in the last three years I have gotten to know two more great girls. Our boyfriends were good friends throughout college. We met here and there when we went out with our guys in college but we quickly got along, we all seemed to have the same distrust for girls and all the drama that was associated. We each seemed to have “that” girl friend that we just didn’t understand but stayed friends with. But for the few times just the three couples were together, it was so refreshing to me to see how easy it was to be friends with them. Since graduating we’ve each one by one moved in with our boyfriends and our trio of guys try to hang out pretty regularly.
This past weekend we finally set up a girls’ only weekend and it was awesome. We drank many bottles of wine and chatted throughout the night. It was awesome and something I definitely needed. And without ending this on a super sappy note, I truly hope we find a groove so that we hang out more often. I also hope to find the same groove with my two good girl friends from college. I know I’m guilty of not instigating the calls or texts. I still hesitate on leaning on anyone else and I’m quick to let time pass me by to even send a simple hello to them. But this past weekend reaffirmed for me that good ole fashion girls’ weekend is really good for my soul and should be a common occurrence, not a special occasion in my life.