Monday, October 20, 2014

New Beginnings.

I wanted to apologize if you are new to this blog and are scratching your head at what has been going on lately. My last two posts were really heavy and, if you’re like me when it comes to reading new blogs (and even if you're been around these parts before), there isn’t much history for you to creep on and figure out what my blog is all about. While I haven’t been as consistent as I’d like to be, this space is my outlet. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s like “wait, what?”, but overall it helps me get through some of the ups and downs I’ve experienced. Unfortunately, the lack of regular posts makes it hard to for all this stuff to flow together… Which is too bad for you the reader and really too bad for me.

So let’s fill in some gaps. I was in an on-again/off-again relationship for a little over 5 years. The second biggest off-again part of my relationship I sorta captured in some posts a few years back. But then we were back on and things were going really well. Heck, we even went one step further and I talked about how I moved in with him and we even rescued a dog together. As things progressed though, the bad days together outweighed the good ones and we ultimately broke up… This time was much harder and complicated with the element of me moving out.

It was confusing and frustrating how we did eventually end things. And like anything in life, hindsight is 20/20, so it was easy to see where we went wrong and what could’ve gone differently. But it is what it is. Writing those two big posts were helpful for me to capture all the extreme emotions. Reading them again today, I cringe a little at how heavy they are but they were exactly what I was feeling and I’m not sure if I hadn’t wrote them, I would feel the way I do today.

Today I feel so much better. It’s an exciting part of my life now. I have so many opportunities ahead of me. I’m glad it’s over and that chapter of my life ended. It was hard to see that a while ago because there were so many unknowns and I was leaving a huge comfort zone we had created. That much time together felt like such a big investment. So to have it end the way it did, felt like I had wasted a lot of my twenties… but that is not the case.

I am much more confident on what I want now in life and the person I want to be. Don’t get me wrong, it was a huge part of my life so I can’t just pretend it never happened. We did have a lot of great times together. We shared some really good adventures and experiences together. But there was a lot of bad. A lot of fights. A lot of hurdles. A lot of life we just couldn’t figure out together. We tried numerous times to make it work over the years but the reality is, we just weren’t right for each other. We didn’t bring out the best in each other. When the official move out day came, as stressful and emotional as it was, I felt the definitive end I was wondering if I’d ever feel and hadn’t felt in previous breakups with him. It is finally over for me and it’s time for me to move forward.

So that’s where I’m at now. Moving forward and living each day for what it’s worth. It’s exciting and crazy and a lot different this time around… For instance, instead of me being back on my own, I’m living with my parents as I get myself and things settled. So while that felt like a huge setback in life when I first came to the decision to move in with them, it really is a good thing. I mean, for the first time in my life since I was two, I get to experience life as an only child again… and lemme tell you, that’s pretty fun ;).

But as fun as it is, I don’t plan on over-staying my welcome. Instead of going back into the world of renting, I’m looking at places to buy and my mom has become my personal cheerleader/real-estate agent. My parents are helping me out and want me to succeed. We know that my time living with them is only temporary but I’ve been enjoying the time we get together and I’m so thankful for the ability to save up as much as I can during this time.

My adventures may not be as crazy as they used to be for next few months but then again, I still have Toby and he is always a source of craziness. So regardless of what has happened so far in my life, I know there is still so much ahead for me to experience and enjoy.

So here’s to new beginnings!

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Picture frame.

Every day is different. Yesterday for example, I woke up, took Toby out and got ready for work. At work I focused on work and my mind never swayed. I made it until lunch time and somewhere during that time everything switched and the overwhelming pain and thoughts took over. I found it hard to keep my breath steady and my eyes are filling with tears. No longer is it the ugly cry like last week, but just very glassy eyes. I can feel immense heat fill my cheeks and my hands start to shake. I try to bring my thoughts to a better place but I can’t get over the anxious feeling in my chest because when work is done for the day, I know have to go home… but it’s not my home. I have to go his house and get back to packing up everything that’s mine. There’s not that much left but then again, there’s so much there. And he’s there.

Physically he’s still close to me because I’m still living in the same house, but emotionally he’s gone. Each box or tote I fill is a reminder that it is really over and I am leaving. I try to take my time packing and make the most out of the space in each box. I use newspaper to wrap up wine glasses and coffee mugs. I use random colors of tissue paper I saved from past presents to protect the breakable trinkets I had scattered around the house. I find a tote big enough to keep all my wall art and picture frames together.

Its then that I come across the picture frame I was so excited to buy earlier this year. The one that says “you&me” in a silver font on a black frame. Instantly, I am no longer in the spare room packing, but I am transported to that day I was walking aimlessly around Kohl’s. I can see myself looking at the display of picture frames and my eyes finding that you&me one. I can feel that giddy feeling again that I had that day. That I knew exactly what picture I would put in of the two of us and that I would put the frame on the shelf we walk by countless times a day. It would serve as a little reminder of how much we mean to each other and the life we have together.

And then just like, I’m back in the spare room filled with boxes and piles of my stuff. I don’t quite know what to do. Do I take the picture out of the frame and put it in the tote with the others? Do I throw it out to the window and onto the street where it will be run over by some large truck like some dramatic break up scene from a cliché movie? Do I even want this frame? I bought it for one specific person and I’m moving home with my parents for an unknown amount of time. It’s not quite something generic that could potentially be repurposed.

I know I’m being over dramatic because I’m still too close to the pain of what just happen. So I take a deep breath and I try to think that maybe when the day comes and I’m moving into a place of my own, I’ll reopen this tote and simply see picture frames. And it will be just that, just a frame. That I’ll take all the other frames out to decorate my new place and that one frame will find its home at the bottom of an odds and ends tote. But even that thought is just as dramatic as well. Why can’t I decide on whether to keep it as a simple yes or no?

Ugh I’ve wasted enough time, so I move on to different pile and fill a box like it’s a game of tetris. I continue to do this until I’m out of boxes. I look back at that tote of wall art and picture frames and make a decision.

I’m not keeping it.

And just like it’s done. On top of the sadness, I feel really pathetic for feeling the way I do about all this. I just need to pack up my stuff and move on. I mean, this isn’t the first time my heart has been broken by someone. But it is the first time I’ve broken my own heart because of my actions that I could’ve so easily changed and wanted to. It’s hard to put tangible meaning to my emotions. It’s not as if this breakup was because someone had cheated on the other or we simply lost interest in each other. Instead it was the way I thought and spoke that left an untreatable stain on something that was really good. I can’t believe I never even thought for a second that it would ever end. That there was still so much time left on the clock to pull through this. But the buzzer sounded and I only just realized I was in double overtime.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Done.

So what do you do when you and the person you love find yourselves arguing and bickering more and more? So much so that you and that person are at the point where the bad days seriously outweigh the good? Well, you both decide to try sleeping in separate rooms to help figure out a way to move forward. Or you see the separate rooms as an opportunity to focus on yourself because you kinda, sorta know the problems are caused by you and your negativity… But by focusing on yourself, you first focus more so on making this spare bedroom that had become a dumping ground for the random stuff in the house, a real bedroom. Because you read somewhere that your bedroom is actually your subconscious source of happiness and how could you possibly start to fix yourself in a room full of junk? So you go to Walmart and Kohls and dump a bunch of money and energy to get the room set up just the way you like it… then you’ll get back to working on the relationship because the happy, materialistic room will surely help get things better overall. But then, when option two doesn’t work because well… you are focusing so much on the room that you haven’t reeeeally started to do anything different to fix the situation with the person you love, you inevitably find yourself out of second chances and the person you love wants to actually break up and wants you to move out.

So then what do you do? First you beg and plead for another chance… even though you had a million chances. Then when the begging doesn’t work, you get angry and self-righteous because the other person won’t give you another chance… Surely this will help change their mind. Don’t forget to add in a handful of comments that you will inevitably regret the next day. When that doesn’t work either, you think ok, let’s try something different. So you apologize, strategize, promise changes and this time actually have a real plan laid out to fix things… but it’s too late. You should’ve been doing that all along.

So then what? Well… you start freaking the heck out. Where are you going to live? What is going to happen? Is it truly over?? It’s hard to figure that out because your heart is aching so badly and the overwhelming elephant of emotions on your chest makes it hard to breathe. You find yourself crying randomly and hard. Your eyes glass over and you can’t stop from doing the Kim Kardashian ugly sob-cry. You don’t want to end this; you want to be with that person. You love this person with every fiber of your being.

And you cringe because the pain of everything about yourself and the person you’ve become is unbearable. At some point you lost who you really were. You were snippy, annoyed, holding on to pathetic grudges from past fights. You were not a team player nor saw yourselves as equals because you wanted him to take care of you when you forgot how to take care of yourself. You blamed everyone else for all the problems you had and somehow got enjoyment being the victim for all the injustices in the world you faced. You forgot how to be happy on your own and lost all sense of motivation in life. You couldn’t be happy with the way things were and always pointed out how things didn’t go exactly the way you thought they would. You were unable to see any of the good in life and even if the person you loved tried to show you, you could immediately discount it with a “ya, but”. You resented him for suggesting that you go to therapy but you’d go sometimes. And even when you learned all the tools to be a better person and better appreciate the good in life you still lacked the motivation to actually do those things. You naively thought you could fix yourself on your own and that things would eventually get better. Instead of looking for a different therapist to help, you really believed that by simply going to therapy, you were showing him you were trying. You managed to make an opportunity for improvement as a source of resentment and woe-is-me-I-need-therapy. As things continued to get worse, you focused so much on making the house a home with materialistic things. You ignored the pleas to save money and to live simple together while we worked our way up. You convinced him that there was just one more thing you needed to get to make things better but there was always something else after you got that specific item. You truly forgot it was the people inside it that made it a home. You regrettable thought there would always be tomorrow instead of working on these things today.

Now everything you did and have been doing to get you to this point is staring right at you. You want nothing more than another chance because this is the person you love most in this world and you can’t honestly imagine a life without them. But you’re gonna have to. This is what you did and at some point, no matter how much you love them, the only way you can show them how much you love them now is to move out and let go.

But how do you move on? How do you stop seeing all the times you were resentful, bitchy and unappreciative to the one person who is so perfect for you and really was there for you the whole time? How do you stop from seeing all the times when all they did was show you love and gave you chances and you didn’t show it back enough or at all? How do you stop the immense pain from taking over because ironically everything is so crystal clear now? When you see all the opportunities you had to succeed and be happy but you didn’t do anything? When you see all the times you didn’t give that person all the love and happiness you could’ve and instead chose to beat them down with words and break their spirit. When every single memory of all the good times and moments of true love you shared with this person over the past 6 years, starts to flood in.

You do the only thing you think you can do. You start to pack things up and humbly accept your parents offer to move home. You decide to be positive while you are still living with this person. You make every remaining day you have living with this person a good day. You tell yourself to see this as a new adventure in life and this is the regretful kick in the butt you should’ve had all along to better yourself. You try not to think about how you are another failed statistic, exactly what the older generation warned you about when you move in with your boyfriend and how there was so many chances you could’ve done things differently. You force yourself to stay away from Facebook because all your friends are getting married and you feel so painfully stupid for wanting only that at one point in your relationship. You start to see how many fights you started because you made it a point that you wanted to be married and start a family sooner than later…. But yet at the time, you didn’t see how you pushed that person away because frankly, who wants to live a life with someone who wants to get married but not actually enjoy every day together regardless of a ring or ceremony.

You begin to hate yourself more and more every day. You're extemely embarrassed and ashamed of yourself. And it’s no longer so much of a question of how anymore but will. Will you ever move on from this? You had the life you wanted and didn’t take every opportunity to see and enjoy it then.

So while you are still living together and you become the person you should’ve been (and whole heartedly want to be), you start to see that you two are still able make each other laugh and have positive conversations about how each other’s day went. You even share home-cooked dinners and are able to unwind for the night watching your favorite TV shows together before going to your separate rooms. But as these things happen with your move out date getting closer and the boxes of your belongings are piled up around the house, you furiously wonder if this is really it. You wonder if these moments of good between you both means there is still a little part inside of them that they want to be with you too. You wonder if there was still time to prove to them that this is the real you. That this is not desperation from you but that you truly know how to be happy again. That the confident and happy person he fell in love with and asked to move in is still here, and the negative person he is breaking up with is officially gone. That you want nothing more than to support them in every way possible. That this was a bad, bad time in our lives together but we are going to get past it and be stronger from it.

But then you wonder if this person you care for so deeply, that still has moments where they look at you with some pain in their eyes, will honestly be happier without you. That they feel the relationship is really done. And as much as that hurts, their happiness is all that truly matters to you.

So you talk about everything again and how you two could move forward together.

And then you hear the words you feared.

He’s done. This is really it. There is no inkling of hope from him. He doesn’t have any more trust or confidence this will ever work. There is nothing that can be done to repair this. Your ideas of what you both could do are too late.

It really is done.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

No Honey Boo Boo. A dollar does not make me holla'!

If I could, I would go back in time and kick the 2012 version of myself in the head.

Why I ever wasted so much of my life watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo I'll never know. It was a horrible, horrible idea.

Because now, two years later, the saying "A dolla' makes me holla'! Honey Boo Boo child!" randomly gets stuck in my head. Similar to how that one annoying song you don't like and have actively avoided listening to still winds up on your mind, this quote has latched on to my brain and refuses to go away.


At my desk:
Brain- You look like you are deep in thought. Are you? Oh, you are? Ok, well... A dolla makes me holla!
Me- DAMMIT!

In the shower:
Brain- I have a great idea for a new app that will make you lots of money! SIKE! A dolla makes me holla!
Me- DAMMIT!

Trying to fall asleep:
Brain- Pssssst! Hey! Are you sleeping? No? Guess what?! A dolla makes me holla!
Me- DAMMIT!

Pondering life's mysteries:
Brain- Everything happens for a reason. Aaaaaaaand a dolla makes me holla!
Me- DAMMIT!

Driving to work:
Brain- Wow you could accomplish so much today if you put your mind to it! Oh but by the way... A dolla makes me holla!
Me- DAMMIT!

Important conversation:
Brain- Think. Listen. Think. Listen. A dolla makes me holla! Honey Boo-Boo Child!! Listen?
Face- Anger
Me- DAMMIT
Other person- You ok?


If I had a dollar for everytime that stupid quote popped up in my head, well.. I'd have a lot dollars... Maybe then I'd holla!


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