Wednesday, October 29, 2014

There are no rules to this thing.

Dear blog people,
What is the appropriate length of time for one to wait before seeing someone after a relationship, that was on and off for 5 years, officially ends? Is it three weeks? Good, because that’s how long I decided to wait.  
I guess wait isn’t the best word. I’m ready. I’m ready for new beginnings. I’m ready to start experiencing those butterflies again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not desperate for them. I am perfectly content with my life as it is now and I know how to spend time with myself by myself.  The last major breakup, while I wasn't quite ready to date again, I had given myself time to finally be alone, in my own place, to do the soul searching and get to know myself I really needed. And for the most part, as of today, I know exactly who I am and what I want. I was that same bunch of confidence when we got back together. But at some point after we got back together that I let those old submissive habits come back. I let parts of me change and I questioned a lot about myself during that time we lived together. Parts of me that I had completely figured out and were confident about.
The more I digest what went wrong and what happened, it’s extremely clear that we just weren’t right for each other. I should not have lost my confidence and let parts of me hide just because I was afraid to lose him. I mean, why was I so afraid? Answer: Because I wasn’t ready to move on from him. For some reason I couldn’t quit him… haha... but in all seriousness, there was just a part of me and my life I wasn't ready to let go.
But I am oh-so ready this time around. It's done and I have the resolution I lacked before. I’m sure the process of renting and then actually driving the uhaul truck full of my belongings out of his house helped… but I know exactly where I went wrong all those times before. And I know, going forward, exactly what cues to look for so that I won’t let those things happen again. I wasn’t honest with myself or with him. While we are each a great person individually, we had a lot of fundamental differences. When things were going well between us and we decided to get back together, I still had my own place to retreat to. Because of that, those differences didn't feel so big. I saw a lot of good qualities in him that I had thought I wanted to adopt as well but at the end of the day, they were not qualities I could possess. I have a lot of great qualities but I was unable to be confident enough in them to say, “Hey, this is something I feel strongly about. We should try to find a compromise so that we can make theses differences between us work or not.”  Instead I thought, if he feels that way and he’s a good guy, then I should think or do things that way too… But all that did was make my life so confusing. I had erased any bit confidence and independence I had in myself.
For instance, moving in I lost my space I was accustomed to after living by myself for a while and I couldn’t figure out to allow myself a least some alone time  while living with him. I remember when I was going back to therapy and I had wanted to have the whole night to myself. I was going to therapy for myself and for us, but mostly it was for me. I was going to therapy because there were some underlying issues I needed to work out in order for me to figure out if I could even be happier at home. I thought having the night to have some good ole fashion me time, whether it was getting sushi, aimlessly walking around downtown or going to the mall like I used to, would help in my search for answers. Everyone was saying that having space to do your own thing from time to time is completely healthy and was necessary for a couple’s happiness. But I remember telling him this and I felt guilty instantly. I remember him telling me in defeated sense that he was hoping we could spend the night together after my appointment. I remember feeling conflicted because we lived together… we had every other night at home together, what was the problem with me spending the extra hours on the same night as therapy to focus on myself and do my own thing? But I wasn’t confident in my feelings, so I questioned myself… Maybe I was wrong… Maybe I was being too selfish…
I tried to compromise. I would come home right after my appointments. But instead of owning up to that decision, I would build up resentment and get upset with him. I felt that because I was going to therapy for me and for us, why did I have to come home as if I had a curfew? Then I tried to compromise in a different way. I would call after my appointment to check in before I went off to do my own thing. Because if I didn’t, I would get a text or call from him asking what I was up to and how much longer would I be… So in a way my compromise was because I felt as I had to touch base with him right after the appointment. I felt I had to go over what I learned/talked about or what was the point of me going to therapy? I knew I had to work on my communication with him, so maybe this is the right thing to do: to touch base after the appointment.
One important cue I ignored was the few times I would see him calling or send a text after my appointment and I all wanted was to ignore him. That's not good... Deep down I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t figure out exactly what it was that I wanted. Because I wasn't being honest with myself, I didn't know what to believe in or what to fight for. 
When I would finally work up the strength to bring up my feelings, I was told it was ultimately up to me to be confident about the decisions I made on whether to talk to him or come home early or do nothing all together. Which was true. But I felt so guilty for wanting to have the whole night to myself and to not communicate at all till I was ready to come home. I let the fear of losing him consume me and it felt like a guessing game of what was the right thing to do. I began to question every decision I made and couldn't figure out what the hell I was doing… blergh… just writing about it makes me so annoyed all over again. Why did I put myself through all of that!?
It was such an unnecessary and complicated mess we created. All I needed was the confidence to say, "I am doing this for me and for us, I need a night to myself once a week." That was exactly what I wanted....  Thank god it’s over. It's crazy how quickly my confidence in myself has come back since then. How easy it is for me to feel like myself again now that I moved out. Those posts I wrote about losing him feel silly now... If I ever find myself questioning who I am when I'm with someone, then I know that person is not right for me. 
Which brings me back to the point of this post… I am meeting someone for drinks Saturday!! And I am so damn excited about it! At this point in my life, why should I wait a set amount of time to meet new people and date again? I made a promise to myself I would live every day for what it’s worth. When opportunities present themselves, I should take them. And even if meeting this person for drinks is just that, at least I did something new! Goodbye to the Starting Over label. Its time to start a chapter for New Beginnings!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Why does country music hate on brown eyes? And other such rambles.

Seriously though, how come there are not more songs about girls with brown eyes… Those blue eyed beauties and green eyed gems have plenty of songs. But there’s a select few of us brown eyed babes that wouldn’t mind a country song or two...

I digress...

It’s Tuesday but a weekend recap is still plausible. My weekend was filled with wine, Chinese food and a house party for a friend’s birthday. It was also filled with leaves… So. Many. Leaves. Now that I live in a house with two dogs, the backyard was becoming quite the mess of leaves and land mines in the form of dog business. I spent a majority of the sunny, fall-filled days this past weekend cleaning up my parent’s back yard. I usually detest yard work, but I hate losing a pair of shoes over discovered landmines a lot more. It was pretty relaxing actually. I dug out my dad’s old 1-hp leaf blower and made a huge pile of leaves that was eventually transferred to a ridiculous amount of compost bags… gloves were a definite for that process… Is this TMI? Sorry, not sorry.

Toby was happy as a clam during this whole process. I had him tied up the run in my parent’s back yard and he finally got the chance to spend endless hours outside doing whatever he pleased. He’s definitely the type of dog that would live outside if given the chance… I know this because whenever I let him out, it usually ends with me picking up that 30lbs of fur and carrying him back inside. His beagle skills were in full force as he investigated his new home’s backyard and slightly turned his curiosity to the windstorm I was creating. I didn’t get a picture of it but for a few minutes he let his jowls fly as he tried to eat the wind coming from the leaf blower. At one point I lost sight of him but when I turned the corner I found him sitting on my parent’s two seated swing… That little character even figured out that if he jumped off and back on he could get it to swing. I caught him doing that a few times and eventually found him all curled up as the swing rocked him to sleep…

The other highlights of the weekend including meeting up with some friends Saturday night. First up was a trip to Keith’s house were we enjoyed a nice home cooked dinner with his girlfriend. After dinner we headed over to another friend’s house party to celebrate their birthday. Beer pong, a campfire for s’mores and an old wooden swing were enjoyed by all. It was nice to get out of the house and catch up with friends. The rest of the weekend was filled with the perks of living at home which included Chinese food and wine compliments of my folks.

I gotta say though… I can’t get over how good I’ve been feeling lately. This new atmosphere has been so good for me. For instance, I’ve been walking Toby every night after work. It has been so nice to unwind from the workday as he and I enjoy our little walk loops. I think that was something I was missing from before… taking the time to relax and unwind. Plus I know Toby is reaping all the benefits of this because that little monster definitely needs the walks to keep him from going stir crazy inside. But this change of scenery for us has been so nice. I feel like myself again while simultaneously learning more and more about me… does that even make sense?

I also have been spending more time catching up with the people who really do appreciate and matter to me the most. I wish I had paid attention to all this sooner but for now I’ll make up for the lost time and enjoy every day here on out.

Hope everyone is enjoying the cool fall weather we’ve been having. This is by far my favorite season. Although, I heard a rumor from a little birdy known as the weather man that snow might be in the forecast for Saturday… Might be time for me to pick up a snow coat for sir Tobster to wear on our walks! I won’t let you down though; pictures will be in full force if that is the case!

Monday, October 20, 2014

New Beginnings.

I wanted to apologize if you are new to this blog and are scratching your head at what has been going on lately. My last two posts were really heavy and, if you’re like me when it comes to reading new blogs (and even if you're been around these parts before), there isn’t much history for you to creep on and figure out what my blog is all about. While I haven’t been as consistent as I’d like to be, this space is my outlet. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s like “wait, what?”, but overall it helps me get through some of the ups and downs I’ve experienced. Unfortunately, the lack of regular posts makes it hard to for all this stuff to flow together… Which is too bad for you the reader and really too bad for me.

So let’s fill in some gaps. I was in an on-again/off-again relationship for a little over 5 years. The second biggest off-again part of my relationship I sorta captured in some posts a few years back. But then we were back on and things were going really well. Heck, we even went one step further and I talked about how I moved in with him and we even rescued a dog together. As things progressed though, the bad days together outweighed the good ones and we ultimately broke up… This time was much harder and complicated with the element of me moving out.

It was confusing and frustrating how we did eventually end things. And like anything in life, hindsight is 20/20, so it was easy to see where we went wrong and what could’ve gone differently. But it is what it is. Writing those two big posts were helpful for me to capture all the extreme emotions. Reading them again today, I cringe a little at how heavy they are but they were exactly what I was feeling and I’m not sure if I hadn’t wrote them, I would feel the way I do today.

Today I feel so much better. It’s an exciting part of my life now. I have so many opportunities ahead of me. I’m glad it’s over and that chapter of my life ended. It was hard to see that a while ago because there were so many unknowns and I was leaving a huge comfort zone we had created. That much time together felt like such a big investment. So to have it end the way it did, felt like I had wasted a lot of my twenties… but that is not the case.

I am much more confident on what I want now in life and the person I want to be. Don’t get me wrong, it was a huge part of my life so I can’t just pretend it never happened. We did have a lot of great times together. We shared some really good adventures and experiences together. But there was a lot of bad. A lot of fights. A lot of hurdles. A lot of life we just couldn’t figure out together. We tried numerous times to make it work over the years but the reality is, we just weren’t right for each other. We didn’t bring out the best in each other. When the official move out day came, as stressful and emotional as it was, I felt the definitive end I was wondering if I’d ever feel and hadn’t felt in previous breakups with him. It is finally over for me and it’s time for me to move forward.

So that’s where I’m at now. Moving forward and living each day for what it’s worth. It’s exciting and crazy and a lot different this time around… For instance, instead of me being back on my own, I’m living with my parents as I get myself and things settled. So while that felt like a huge setback in life when I first came to the decision to move in with them, it really is a good thing. I mean, for the first time in my life since I was two, I get to experience life as an only child again… and lemme tell you, that’s pretty fun ;).

But as fun as it is, I don’t plan on over-staying my welcome. Instead of going back into the world of renting, I’m looking at places to buy and my mom has become my personal cheerleader/real-estate agent. My parents are helping me out and want me to succeed. We know that my time living with them is only temporary but I’ve been enjoying the time we get together and I’m so thankful for the ability to save up as much as I can during this time.

My adventures may not be as crazy as they used to be for next few months but then again, I still have Toby and he is always a source of craziness. So regardless of what has happened so far in my life, I know there is still so much ahead for me to experience and enjoy.

So here’s to new beginnings!

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Picture frame.

Every day is different. Yesterday for example, I woke up, took Toby out and got ready for work. At work I focused on work and my mind never swayed. I made it until lunch time and somewhere during that time everything switched and the overwhelming pain and thoughts took over. I found it hard to keep my breath steady and my eyes are filling with tears. No longer is it the ugly cry like last week, but just very glassy eyes. I can feel immense heat fill my cheeks and my hands start to shake. I try to bring my thoughts to a better place but I can’t get over the anxious feeling in my chest because when work is done for the day, I know have to go home… but it’s not my home. I have to go his house and get back to packing up everything that’s mine. There’s not that much left but then again, there’s so much there. And he’s there.

Physically he’s still close to me because I’m still living in the same house, but emotionally he’s gone. Each box or tote I fill is a reminder that it is really over and I am leaving. I try to take my time packing and make the most out of the space in each box. I use newspaper to wrap up wine glasses and coffee mugs. I use random colors of tissue paper I saved from past presents to protect the breakable trinkets I had scattered around the house. I find a tote big enough to keep all my wall art and picture frames together.

Its then that I come across the picture frame I was so excited to buy earlier this year. The one that says “you&me” in a silver font on a black frame. Instantly, I am no longer in the spare room packing, but I am transported to that day I was walking aimlessly around Kohl’s. I can see myself looking at the display of picture frames and my eyes finding that you&me one. I can feel that giddy feeling again that I had that day. That I knew exactly what picture I would put in of the two of us and that I would put the frame on the shelf we walk by countless times a day. It would serve as a little reminder of how much we mean to each other and the life we have together.

And then just like, I’m back in the spare room filled with boxes and piles of my stuff. I don’t quite know what to do. Do I take the picture out of the frame and put it in the tote with the others? Do I throw it out to the window and onto the street where it will be run over by some large truck like some dramatic break up scene from a cliché movie? Do I even want this frame? I bought it for one specific person and I’m moving home with my parents for an unknown amount of time. It’s not quite something generic that could potentially be repurposed.

I know I’m being over dramatic because I’m still too close to the pain of what just happen. So I take a deep breath and I try to think that maybe when the day comes and I’m moving into a place of my own, I’ll reopen this tote and simply see picture frames. And it will be just that, just a frame. That I’ll take all the other frames out to decorate my new place and that one frame will find its home at the bottom of an odds and ends tote. But even that thought is just as dramatic as well. Why can’t I decide on whether to keep it as a simple yes or no?

Ugh I’ve wasted enough time, so I move on to different pile and fill a box like it’s a game of tetris. I continue to do this until I’m out of boxes. I look back at that tote of wall art and picture frames and make a decision.

I’m not keeping it.

And just like it’s done. On top of the sadness, I feel really pathetic for feeling the way I do about all this. I just need to pack up my stuff and move on. I mean, this isn’t the first time my heart has been broken by someone. But it is the first time I’ve broken my own heart because of my actions that I could’ve so easily changed and wanted to. It’s hard to put tangible meaning to my emotions. It’s not as if this breakup was because someone had cheated on the other or we simply lost interest in each other. Instead it was the way I thought and spoke that left an untreatable stain on something that was really good. I can’t believe I never even thought for a second that it would ever end. That there was still so much time left on the clock to pull through this. But the buzzer sounded and I only just realized I was in double overtime.


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